Why Link hates Soul Calibur fics
by Vaati's Apprentice
Summary: Link sees a phsyciatrist to talk about how people portray him in Soul Calibur fics. Hilarity and death ensue. Oneshot.


Good day to you, Soul Calibur readers. Now, you probably havn't heard of me before. And if that's the case then let me tell you one thing, I am the definition of a die hard Legend of Zelda fan. And as such, I baught SC2 on the Gamecube because it had Link on it. And when I found this sight, I was enraged at what I saw what people do to Link in their Soul Calibur parodies. So here's what Link would have to say about these storys. I do not own Soul Calibur.

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Link was sitting in a leather arm chair in his phsyciatrists office somewhere in London. A place that actually speaks Hylian. Or English, as we would call it. "So Link, why have you come to see me?" the doctor (we'll just call him Dr. Bob) asked.

"Well doc, there's this sight called Fanfiction. And people can write storys based on there favorite things. Now, the Zelda section and the Super Smash Brothers section worship me as though I were a god. But the Soul Calibur section is a different story entirely." Link said.

"Go on." Dr. Bob said. "Well for starters, they never let me talk. I mean, I am a quet person. But that doesn't mean that I can't speak." Link said.

"And whenever I do talk, I'm always the idiot. There was one story where the guy made me think that acid was going to rain down from the sky. Now why would I think that?" Link asked.

"I wouldn't know." Dr. Bob said. "And I've never seen any of these other wanna-be heroes going through dungeons filled to the brim with mind numbing puzzles. I've been doing that since I was ten." Link said.

"Why not make someone else the retard? Like that N'Synk reject, Jun Seoung. Or why not that retarted Maxi guy?" Link asked.

"I'm sure that if you asked them they would have a good reason." Dr. Bob said. "Yeah, and if pigs fly out of my rear end, we'll have bacon for the rest of our lives." Link said.

"And another thing, I'm always the weakling in these storys." Link said. "Tell me more." Dr. Bob said.

"Well if there's ever someone that gets shot, stabbed, burned, maimed or any of the above; I'm always that person." Link said. "And why do you have a problem with that?" Dr. Bob asked.

"Are you (BLEEP)ing kidding me!? I'm the Hero of Time, the wielder of the Master Sword, the keeper of the Triforce of Courage, Farore's chosen hero. I fear nothing!" Link proclaimed.

"While these losers are busy with one-on-one combat, I'm out slaughtering entire armys of monsters. You remember those temples that I told you about?" Link asked.

Dr. Bob nodded. "Well there's more than puzzles in them. There's monsters, and they bring friends... ALOT of friends." Link said.

"But what really burns me up is when people keep calling me an elf. An elf, can you believe it!?" Link yelled in rage. "Well you do kind of look like an elf." Dr. Bob said nervously.

"Just becaus I have long ears, that does not mean that I am an elf." Link said. "What about your clothes?" Dr. Bob asked. "What about them?" Link asked.

"Well, they're... green." Dr. Bob said nervously. "Well excuse me for being unique! That Tira girl wears green, why doesn't anyone call her an elf?" Link asked.

Dr. Bob was about to say something when Link said "And I can prove that I'm not an elf. Reason number one: elves are immortal, I am not." Link said.

"Reason number two: elves are the fairest of all creatures in the world. Now, I am very easy on the eyes myself. But that's not the case with quit a few people back home." Link said.

"I bet you've seen ugly, but there are people that are uglier than sin back in Hyrule. I'm talking circus freak ugly. Imagine if Voldo and Yoshimitsu had a baby, that's how ugly some of these people are." Link said.

"O.K." Dr. Bob said, trying to shake the images out of his head. "And have you ever heard of an elf wielding a broadsword and shield. I certainly havn't." Link said.

"Maybe I wouldn't be so pissed right now if people didn't treat me like I should be running around Gondor with two Men, a Dwarf, a Wizard and four Hobbits." Link said.

Dr. Bob had been scribbling notes down on his pad while Link was talking. "Hey, what the hell are you writing?" Link asked. "Nothing." Dr. Bob said. Link took out his Hookshot and fired it at the notepad. The Hookshot braught it back to him and he scanned over it.

"Depressed, unruley, GENDER CONFUSED!!!" Link yelled in outrage. "I'll show you whose gender confused, after I castrate you!" Link yelled, unsheathing the Master Sword.

Meanwhile, Heihachi and Spawn were sitting outside the office. They too had appointments. They heard a loud shriek come from inside the office. Link came out with a homicidal look on his face.

"WHAT!!!" Link yelled, when he realized that the two were staring at him. Heihachi and Spawn both turned away from him.

Link stormed outside and took his Gossip Stone pendant out. "Zelda!" he yelled into it. "Yes, sweetums?" Zelda said, excited to hear Link's voice.

"Get me the hell out of here. This place sucks, remind me to declare war on it after our wedding." Link said. "Of course, Linky-pie. Hold on just one second." Zelda said.

In no time, Link was surrounded by a blue light. "This world can go screw itself." Link said to himself. With that, Link dissapeared along with the light.

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Well, that's what I think that Link would say about some of these fan fics. Not all of them portray Link like this. But most of them do. Hey, my family was given their right to freedom of speach when they first came to America from Russia. I'm just excercising that right.


End file.
